A Brief Narrative, by Jessica E. McCreery - 21

This is about David Wayne Hogarth. The REAL David.

The David that I found when I was at crawling thru the darkness of my despair.

The David who lassoed me, pulled tight, and didn't let go, no matter how much I begged of him to let me fall. I so wanted to.

Scrolling thru the Missed Connections posts on craigslist (no, not m4w) in November of 13, I see a post screaming my name. Wanna Die? it says... well yes. yes, I do. I click on the blue words that seemed to vibrate with intensity, and opened up a new world. A world of love, reality, different meanings of things I thought I knew.

It wasn't a cry for help, or a suicide note.
It was strong, very well-written, in a style that I found bold and flamboyant and slightly irritating, with all the italics and font size changes and quotes and questions.
The post drew me in like a moth to a flame, it was amazing, and it settled in me without my permission. I dared to write him back.

It was an invitation.

David Wayne Hogarth physically and emotionally awakened me to the real world.
David Wayne Hogarth brought me out of my depression.
David Wayne Hogarth GAVE ME A REASON TO LIVE.
David Wayne Hogarth gave me a life worth living.

David showed me what it was like to actually be loved, to really be nurtured, to be beautiful again. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I smiled. For the first time in months. I told him of the baby girl I had just a few weeks ago, how I gave her to another family when she was born, how my 'boyfriend' shipped me off to Florida, and called to break up with me the same night, under false pretenses that we would stay in a long distance relationship.

David Hogarth listened. And when he listened, he watched me. He'd watch my face, my hands, he'd hear my stutters and my hesitations. David actually cares. He really, REALLY cares about the word vomit I can't help but spill. I wanted to tell him my story, how I came to be like this.. not just because he asked, but because I needed to hear what he had to say about it. The way he speaks makes me realize that there still are good, intelligent, genuinely NICE people still out there.

David and I had nothing. Like, really, NOTHING. Well, we had some clothes, shoes, and the smaller second bedroom of his mother's family condo.

We started picking up pennies off the ground, wherever we went. Since we had no car, we walked everywhere, together, hand in hand the whole way. There were some of those rolls that you stick 50 pennies in, and we'd slowly fill them up. When we'd have a few saved up, we'd buy a pack of cigarettes, or maybe a parking lot sandwich.

We started with PENNIES. We built an astral bubble of light & love, one penny at a time.

I was in love with a man who is old enough to be my father. Yea, it was weird at first. Well, for the first few weeks. The very obvious age difference started melting away into nothing, leaving an incredibly unique experience, full of very true, very pure love. I was so giddy and legitimately happy that I let all my depression leave me, giving my David full access to the walls that I've had up for so long.

Very sturdy, thick, brick walls, coated in Kevlar.

Too high to climb, David Wayne went at them with a jackhammer. And.... yes. The walls came tumbling down. My stutter (which wasn't super obvious but sometimes, I'd trip over my words) vanished, along with my FEARS.

David Wayne Hogarth has empowered me to be exactly who I already am.
David Wayne Hogarth is, and always has been, my most favorite person I have ever met.

We began a relationship that was physically more than picking up pennies and holding hands, showing off our newfound love to the citizens of Altamonte Springs. David REALLY loves me, and I can feel it. I feel it pulsing in my blood.

When I look at the scars that used to make me feel better, I remember all of the ugliness I created for myself.
When David looks at these scars, he sees something beautiful. Something pure. Something I don't quite understand. Not yet.

I was with child three months after finding him. My fears were swimming with anguish at the thought of, once again, giving another little baby girl to another family.. becoming a failure once more.

David Wayne Hogarth held my face between his hands, and cured me of those silly tears.
David Wayne Hogarth told me, assured me, promised me, he will not leave me.
David Wayne Hogarth made it very clear that he will stay with me till the end of time.
David Wayne Hogarth will honor, love, and protect me. Always.

No matter what I choose to do with his child, and myself...
David Wayne Hogarth will not only support my decision, but love me and my decision. Of that, I am certain.

I consider adoption. I consider abortion. I even consider suicide, once again. David, my David, talks me thru all of my fears and worries and helps me work them out. It's nice not being alone anymore, to have someone who really, truly knows what it's like... to be someone like me.

I am beautiful, I am loved.

I am keeping this child. I am showering this little seed to grow into a lady who knows exactly who, and what she is. I shall show her what it is to love herself, and allow herself to be loved. She will never be disempowered, she will never be alone, she will never be abandoned. She will have the childhood that I have imagined myself to have, in a world far better than this one.

We have no money. We have no home. We have no car.

David Wayne Hogarth acquired money for us.
David Wayne Hogarth found us a beautiful, safe home.
David Wayne Hogarth purchased a vehicle for us. We call her Dagny.

Now, before those words are scoffed at, let me explain. David asked his mother for an early inheritance, to build a world that Penny, David and I could live in, happily. Together. David saved me from a second imminent destruction.

I remember in 2012, when I gave birth to a beautiful black haired baby at a hospital in Indiana.
I remember the gown, the stirrups, the constant beeping, IVs, the morphine, the Pitocin.
I remember feeling completely paralyzed from the waist down, not even able to bend my legs by myself.
I remember seeing the nurses read my charts and monitors, not caring if I knew what was going on or not.
I remember how, when I was fully dilated and ready to push, the nurses closed my legs and told me to wait, that the doctor was just finishing his lunch break.
I remember the doctor coming in, snapping his latex gloves around his fat fingers, not even looking at my face once. Then they all shouted, "push! push!" like I had no idea what I was doing.
I remember the little girl falling into the hands of the doctor, as he wiped her off, and handed her to a nurse. Her adoptive daddy cut the cord, and then she was weighed. The doctors handled her like she was a rag doll. No love, just another baby.
I remember them laying her on my chest, leaving the room, saying they'll be back soon with the paperwork to sign away my parental rights.
I remember the newborn screening test. It should be called the newborn screaming test.

Most of all, I remember not being in control of myself.

I will never do that again. I will never let a hospital give birth to my child for me.

I will deliver this child, with David, in a bed. At home. Comfortably, alone, and quietly. Penelope's birth could not have went better. 12 hours of labor proceeded her appearance. David gently caught her, and I leaned forward to look at our baby.

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I HAVE EVER LAID MY EYES ON.

David Wayne Hogarth wiped her little body off, used the sucker thing on her nose.
David Wayne Hogarth cleaned out her gummy mouth.
David Wayne Hogarth put the cord clamps on, and cut the cord after I delivered the placenta.
Penelope did not cry. She looked around with her big, wide, blue eyes at both of us.

THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED.

A few minutes passed, and our little lamb started to cry. I put her to my breast, and she still cried, but quickly began to try to suckle. She began to suck, and I nursed for the first time in my life. There's not a thing in the world like it. She fell asleep easily. We couldn't help but to be in awe of this intelligent, special, amazing, beautiful, loved, precious baby girl.

I WILL NEVER EXPERIENCE A HOSPITAL BIRTH EVER AGAIN.

We are a family united with love. Love stronger than any force imaginable.
Stronger than super gorilla glue.
Stronger than cement.
Stronger than gravity.
Stronger than all.

The Department of Children and Families threatened me. They told me I had to give my child to one of their doctors to undergo tests and examinations to decide if I have been neglecting or abusing her. I was afraid that they would take her from me, that no doctor would say that a child who has never been to a doctor could possibly be healthy.

Hell, would they pay all that money for med school and malpractice insurance if that weren't true?

David Wayne Hogarth tried his very best to protect us.
David Wayne Hogarth will not let some arrogant, self serving bastards take my little baby away from me.
David Wayne Hogarth SAVED us from the danger that would take her from me, and split us apart, and never leave us alone.

They came back for her. They forced themselves into David's home, and what they found was what they least expected. We were not there. I'm sure their fury was pungent. It is absolutely disgusting how people feel the desire, the need, the responsibility to assert their dominion over other people.

They have to justify their existence, I suppose. Power tripping mother fuckers.

I was unaware of the extensive intrusion into our lives until I heard from Mr. Mark O'Mara. Understanding the heightened awareness of everything that had happened while Penny and I were away, I listened to what Mr. Mark O'Mara had to say, and heeded his advise. I did everything he told me to do, and drove my child to the police station, where we were escorted to a commercial air flight, and escorted to the Kid's Place, where they did a 6 minute evaluation of Penelope, interrogated me for hours, and took my child out of my arms, saying that there is 'most definitely something wrong with her.'

There is and never was ANYTHING wrong with her.

So here David and I are, fighting to get back our most valuable reason to keep living. We will stop at NOTHING to get her back, where she belongs.

I will stand by David Wayne Hogarth until the very end.
I will stand by David Wayne Hogarth because he has always stood by me.
I will stand by David Wayne Hogarth till we can no longer stand.

David Wayne, Jessica Elizabeth, and Penelope Jo WILL BE A FAMILY UNITED ONCE AGAIN.

With all the kindness, beauty, and truth I can muster,
Jessica McCreery

WFTV